Cirque Ensoleille

ARTS 199

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 04:09:04 GMT

ARTS 199 is the closest to arts i've been this year, in my opinion. oh sure, there's my french course, but we don't get to talk about literature in french much anyway.

one of the few problems i have w/ my ARTS 199 (i'm loving the rest of it) is the only major essay we have to write (all or almost all of our grade depends on it). thankfully my prof is letting us decide on smthg that actually interests us.

i've got a topic which definitely interests me, but that's also because i've got a personal stake in it. when i have to present my essay to my class, i'm going to be baring a part of myself, and i'm not sure if i want to. that's the only real part that bothers me; i don't mind at all if my prof reads it, he's such a nice guy.

so: am i ready to do this? i've got a backup idea. do i want to do this?

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 01:20:08 GMT

if you could find out how much a friend truly values your friendship,

would you want to know?

i've made my choice. and i don't know if i'd make the same decision again.

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 20:49:46 GMT

i just want to see you smile with your whole body again.

i trust you

but i don't know if i can trust myself.

Some Internal Dialogue

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 22:36:09 GMT

you're such a wimp, you are. at the first bump or the first fumble you're ready to turn tail and never look back. forget withdrawing at least for now since you're surrounded by humankind and let's face it, you're just being plain melodramatic.

how is it that the words dry up in my mouth while there's so much i could say? so much i could be, and do? am i like some sort of mine, whose precious innards are gone once they're gone, leaving behind a cold, dangerous, empty space that runs against all human instinct? and when i say precious i'm not being arrogant, by it i mean some stupid thing overvalued by society, such as diamonds (don't get me wrong, they are useful to us but spending millions on it as jewellery when that promotes crime--that's beyond words for me).

. . .mines are always cold, dangerous spaces even if there's something of "worth" in them.

i wonder if you've figured that out by now. that would be pretty quick of you to realize it so soon, i don't know how many others have noticed. congrats.

well, i better come back to earth (haha). i'll see in a few hours how much damage i've done.

what is it i have against you?

Thu, 17 May 2007 02:50:35 GMT

it's hard to say. hard to form into words and hard to get past my throat, hard to lift up into the air with my tongue. grudges are more subconscious than anything else i suppose.

perhaps i should have gone through this, a long while ago, when it would have made more sense. not perhaps. i should have, plain and simple.

but here. i'm ungrateful, i'm demanding, i'm angrier than i used to be. i'm 'holding it in'. but if you sink a body into a river it might float back up to the top someday.

and besides, where else can a caged bird put its anger?

Mon, 07 May 2007 22:27:35 GMT

it seems like i've misjudged many, many people. a shitload of them aren't as great as i thought they were.

and a surprising few are more decent than i've given them credit for.

i'll just have to learn to keep my heart in the same state as my mind: accepting, concerned and empirical. someday, i'll learn how to care without expecting anything back. someday i might even learn to care without caring about any crap that flies back.

then i might just be free.

One for Junesnitch

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 00:29:55 GMT

Read the first chapter and nearly died laughing. Been so long since I've read a parody.

The Hairy Pothead

Aging w/ Humour

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 01:06:02 GMT

Lol.

apparently my uncle's thinking of getting this tattoo. i wonder though if he's thought about what happens after he turns completely bald.

Random Idea

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 14:51:15 GMT

what if we relied only (or almost exclusively) on machines in the secondary sector? i say this because it seems so many countries try to up their birth rates, partially (probably) because they need an abundant workforce. the heads of government always seem to think unemployment is better than a shrinking population.

so if we just kept to machines in the secondary sector. . .i can't remember the terminology for this, but i mean the processing and manufacturing industries--if we just stuck to machinery and technology we'd have less desperate need for manpower (ie the bigger population). then we could allocate the human workforce to either the primary sector (like farming, mining, forestry) or the tertiary sector (services like accounting, city planning, medical care).

this way we'd put less strain on the planet as a whole right? not as much pressure to keep up a birth rate. . .as of now, really, the less people running around the better, it's just that for individual countries they worry if they have a dying population (and i can't really blame them).

just had to spew this out. i'm sure there are plenty of gaping holes here, some of which i'd never be able to foretell without trying this out first. it's probably too simplistic as well cause it's fresh from the good ol noggin.

I Shoulda Confronted You When I Had the Chance

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 17:11:58 GMT

so i'm getting the distinct feeling that you actually don't approve that much of my tentative career future. the future which, btw, is like the leftover territory on a map after we went and outlined everything i shouldn't go into. am i forgetting things or were you the one saying i shouldn't do this, that, everything under the sun etc because i wasn't right for it? because it wasn't right for the lifestyle you want to duplicate? i can't figure out now what my priorities are. the thought that money can't buy a fulfilling life is hard for me to believe even though i've seen proof of it. i just keep getting your values stuck in my head.

all i want is to be happy. there's more than one way to do it. why can't you realize that??

i guess the question is now whether i would have preferred your facade of approval mixed with disparaging hints at how you really feel, or your honest reaction mixed with disparaging blatancy. hmmm.

I MADE IT!!. . .!!!!!!!!

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 01:43:07 GMT

I got accepted to Waterloo :DDD. Oh, I'm so relieved. The rest. . .I can't really put into words, but y'know that it's bittersweet stuff. My eyes will prolly be somewhat puffy tomorrow, that's the price to pay for being too emotional and neurotic :P (I just hope I don't turn into one of those nervous types.)

And now I can go on and loaf about how this is just another four years to churn through. . .

To Watch and Read Before I DIE XP

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 19:35:42 GMT

Books/authors (roughly in order of importance):

Toni Morrison (esp. Beloved)
Orlando by Virginia Woolfe (did i spell that right?)
Life of Pi
anything Neil Gaiman
Anais Nin's memoirs
The Vampire Armand (which i might have read but can't remember, i got skewered when it came to Anne Rice)
The Count of Monte Cristo
the complete version of Les Miserables (were these two by the same author?. . .)
~~The Screwtape Letters~~ (and, while i'm at it, the whole Narnia series in perfectly chronological order)
Flowers for Algernon (the story's about this retard going through a scientific experiment where they boost his IQ level through the roof and then the experiment fails and he goes back to being a retard. . .)
A Clockwork Orange
Lord of the Flies
Anna Leonowen's memoirs (the title is too bloody long to write)
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
Of Mice and Men
Anything/everything Lloyd Alexander
Mein Kampf (it's an up-close-and-personal way of examining how Hitler's brain worked, right?)
The Princess Bride
Movies in Fifteen Minutes (damn that Cleolinda Jones has got a sense of humour)
Dancing in the Dark
Portrait of an Unknown Woman
The Summer Queen

Movies/TV shows/anything on a screen (not really in order of importance):

Little Miss Sunshine
The Breakfast Club
FMA the Movie: Conqueror of Shamballa (heh heh)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (i havta watch the whole movie)
The Truman Show
Edward Scissorhands
~~House~~
Donnie Darko
Rome
Brokeback Mountain
The Prestige
Lawrence of Arabia
My Fair Lady
The Ten Kingdoms (or was it the Tenth Kingdom? help me out here, Tash)
Fire (by Deepa Mehta)
This Film Is Not Yet Rated (though who knows where i'd find it)
The Pianist
Out of Africa
Avatar: The Last Airbender^^
The Big O
Mirrormask/The Dark Crystal/Labyrinth
The Secret of N.I.M.H. (just to revisit)

NY RE-solutions

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 21:16:14 GMT

these aren't necessarily in order. . .

1. learn to take care of myself.

2. better self-discipline, which is inextricably wound up w/ time management. totally. TOTALLY. need. this.

3. set my priorities straight. ". . >_< "

4. be more environmentally friendly (saw An Inconvenient Truth w/ my family, but don't find it that depressing, Kath)

5. learn more chinese.

6. get better informed on world issues.

7. learn when to shut up, be more tacit.

8. keep sketching and drawing.

9. learn more about comps (yes I admit I'm a complete newbie)

10. be more humble.

somehow i think this list is pretty similar to my past years' resolutions. some of the stuff is new, but none of it's out of the ordinary.

Happy New Year, y'all.

Xmas shouldn't be this much effort!!

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 01:47:15 GMT

not that i'm really complaining. just slightly panicking. you know, the whole 'gotta do this, gotta do that' kinda thing XP. including writing Xmas letters to friends who don't live nearby, what will i say? i received one of those friends' cards. i am muchos happy ^^ kinda wish she'd written more, guess i'll email her later. ^^ ^^ ^^ etc.

please don't bullshit me

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 23:21:52 GMT

*sighs* i've been so duped. or at least hit on the head with reality.

my dojo is such a sham. it really is.

i wish i never moved from the old dojo. i wonder if they'd have pulled that trick on me like this one did. guess there's no way for me to find out, ever, since it's outta business.

i know in a way part of me is to blame since i didn't practise as much as i ideally should. . .but then that's sticking to the ideals of martial arts. and this dojo isn't doing that (yes, i know it's a business, i know it's trying to avoid bankruptcy like the old one, but this dojo is thriving). it still upsets me.

but what the hell. i never really put much heart into this place like the old one, and it shows. it'd be stupid to start now especially since i'm going in January.

then they can kiss my ass goodbye.

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 02:07:29 GMT

. . .I’m petrified.

I keep repeating to myself over and over again the logic of it all, but it won’t iron out my anxiety. The fact that I ought to do this because it’s the right thing to do, is keeping me from running away. I’m no saint. . .but I’ll do it.

I keep trying to ingrain in my mind images of what the worst looks like. I can handle it, I can handle it.

I hope I’m just spazzing like the neurotic hedgehog I am. Now wouldn’t that be funny.

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 18:28:30 GMT

if they weren't only an online store, i'd buy something. . .

http://www.rosietheriveter.com/

. . .and as for my xmas list, this is all i can think of for now:

Full Metal Alchemist DVD--even though there's a bunch of em the first should be good, or even the movie (yeeeeah i'm becoming an obsessed fan here ^^)
some woolly-textured hand/arm warmers (they don't have to be wool, that's just to give you an idea, and i can't for the life of me figger out what they'd be called officially. . ironic heh)
gift certificates from any electronics store or good ol' Chapters would be nice
any of the Dresden Dolls' albums, which include Yes Virginia, The Dresden Dolls
any world music (French or Mandarin preferred)
some kind of belt organizer-majiggy, i just realized i really need one when i peeked into my closet
a pretty wooden comb
suspenders!

that's it--for now.

And in the middle, there is a sinkhole. . .

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 23:16:24 GMT

ok. this is really hard for me to write. but i'm doing it because i hope it will make things easier.

i have learned the hard way that i should just listen and not say anything to anyone else. i made the mistake of answering what i judged to be innocent questions of one friend when another did not want me to say anything. i do not want to repeat that mistake again. but,

i'm afraid i have. and it's killing me.

it's better if i make the assumption that everything you reveal to me is confidential. your state of mind, your mood, how upset you are, whether you're crying or not, what you think happened. . .i will just assume all that stays between us.

it goes for everybody.

please understand and respect that as i respect you.

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 22:58:06 GMT

nobody's home but me right now. my aunt and uncle left this morning.

Yesterday night it felt like our house was more filled and cozy with life, there was sound and light on every floor. right now it's just me taking up one small room and now it occurs to me to turn on some music. wait. shit, i think my uncle may have deleted that when he cleaned out our comp. . .ah i'll explore that later.

our house really is too big.

15 Things to 15 People

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 16:58:04 GMT

i haven't mentioned all of you, but that's because i already try to say what's important to you guys. please don't be offended if you're not here.

1. i'm truly sorry for what i did, so long ago. i'm surprised you remember things differently, in a 'nicer' version. perhaps you really forgot, or perhaps you find it easier to think i was unaware at the time. i still feel guilty and undeserving of your support then, (well even now i don't feel like i'm the best you could have. . .i am surely guilty of negligence. . .) could you forgive me for it? could you forgive me for being cowardly now as well? if i brought it up what would it do to our friendship? i don't say it as often as i should--i'm sure you know the type of person i am--but i love you and i hope our friendship remains strong.

2. you say you've changed; i say, for the worse. i can't believe how you've turned out, i'm sorry to say it. we've known each other for so blooming long but yet that's pretty much the strength of our relationship. i always had a feeling deep down that, yes, you were immature and somewhat superficial, but i didn't try to imagine this outcome. i can't understand what's making you act this way now. i hope you grow out of this phase, it baffles and even disgusts me.

3. i still stand by what i told you before. no matter what you think about my actions i am not afraid to love. but i can't tell you that, i can't say anything to you because there's this glass wall between us now. i wish i could either break it, or turn it to opaque stone so i wouldn't have to see this ruined possibility. so you wouldn't keep proving me a naive liar. so i could accept this scenario i saw coming. . .but you made everything harder. damn you. you make no sense. if you were in my shoes what would you do? do you think you're worth befriending? shit, if you haven't changed i think i know the answer. and that's one of the things that drew me to you.

4. we've only really known each other for a brief period of time. but i'm glad for it, i'm honestly glad you opened up. as far as i know you're a great person, trust me :). i find myself sometimes wishing your situation was different, i know it's selfish of me to even think about crossing the line. i wish i could know if you feel completely platonic or what. but then given that i've also opened up to you, you probably wouldn't want to cross the line either. you've seen me at my worst pretty much, i've yet to see you really upset. i should just be grateful you patiently bore my emotions, ha.

5. it's very interesting what other people have told me about you. are they right? what kind of person are you? how do you view others? i know we're not as close as we used to be. but i chose to stay away, remembering what happened whenever others got too close. i guess this is a gap i don't intend to bridge. sorry.

6. do you know how lucky you were? well, granted, your life is not a piece of cake from what i've heard. but you weren't alone, and you didn't realize it. that's the only explanation i can come up with that accounts for how you took __ for granted. it frustrates me to hear how you act around them; since you've had such a tough time shouldn't you notice when something special comes along? or are your bitter illusions the only things you believe in? and now that __ has turned the tables, you shouldn't be surprised. you're insulting them by reacting the way you've chosen to. __ is not about that.

7. i should have said this when i had the chance. you are shallow. i know you're comfortable with that, but it hurts others. it annoys me that you only changed around me when you found out what i liked. what puzzles me is how intelligent you can be yet so stupid, to put it bluntly. i know you're depressed. should i treat you differently then because being depressed isn't my style?

8. i am sorry for you. you are a sweet person, i wish i had had more time to get to know you. and i wish i had had the ability to communicate with you better. i spent all that time in the middle of it and i never realized what was (or wasn't) going on, not until i put the pieces together. your family, sweet as they are, should pay a little more attention to you. i don't know how you can live being treated like a sideshow. or have i got a warped view of things?

9. so it took you this long to become fond of me. i will ignore that because: your words usually mean nothing, it's just too inane, and besides, i've been told otherwise. to be exact, you were fond of me before __ came along. your prejudice, your favourism for the least important fact hurts me. your lot claimed to be liberal-minded. bullshit. and don't keep rubbing in people's faces how you prefer one over the other, it's artless and makes me feel ashamed. thank goodness i can't remember much from when you made me miserable. at the same time i don't intend to forget it. i can't trust you or respect you or become very fond of you.

10. it gets easier to deal with your stubborn, hypocritical apathy since i'm inheriting it.

11. if only we were still talking. i know i goofed up on this one. and i wish you weren't so keen to keep your distance in general. i'd hate to think of how you see me now. well, wherever you are, good luck. i think you are very talented.

12. thank goodness i'm not obliged to see your face again. you are selfish and utterly unhygenic and i'm still pissed at the fact that you tried so hard to take advantage of virtually everything. your family is so kind, i hope you realize how lucky you've been. will you ever learn the world does *not* revolve around you?

13. i admit, your situation scares me. sometimes i do wonder if you really try as hard as you say you do, but it's not up to me to judge. i'm glad though that things finally seem to be looking up, at least in some areas. i think you can make it. hopefully things will get better between you and your family; i can partially empathize there. as for what you wanted so badly, i feel your pain though probably not on the same scale. just don't lose hope for the future.

14. just talking actually helped me a lot. it released everything i pent up. thanks for listening, thanks for being willing to listen. thanks for being there. i'm glad i have you.

15. i have yet to get out of the habit of talking without sensitivity or sense. until then, i apologize for the past, present and future hurts i will probably cause. i know i've been just stupid at times. and you've been good enough to put up with it and even if you haven't forgiven me for it, you've let it pass. i'm sorry that i've been another addition to the burden of prejudice and misunderstanding you've always known. i do love you for who you are.

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 03:16:38 GMT

so kath and i were having a discussion, tangent actually, on people's inner motivations. kath commented on how difficult it must be for those without religion to find it. i believe she does have a point.

but now come to think on it. . .even if one has a religion, it doesn't necessarily mean they'll have motivation. funny, it's something so precious to some and yet there'll still be moments of "Why. . .just why?" I guess religion can't entirely fill that space; the same goes, I think, for those non-religious, even if they're so confidently moving forward.

it does make sense that the non-religious are more often the ones committing suicide. it's harder to figure out the purpose of everything if one didn't believe there was something to orchestrate purpose in the first place. or doesn't know if that something exists at all. but what gets me most is how many of these people, when they're halfway through or almost done suicide, suddenly want to stop. they want to reverse their steps. they want to live.

i remember a book called Out of Africa, the memoirs of a European woman who lived on her coffee plantation in Africa. she mentioned that if a native was close to death, or suffering from drawn-out sickness, they died with ease. i mean that, when they wanted to die, they did so. this woman compared white people's reluctance even in the same situation. nowadays i think pretty much everybody reacts like that: when they are so close to death they suddenly find they aren't ready to quit yet. it's just that instinctual urge, to live, to breathe, to be. it must be hardwired in all of us, the thing we've overlooked at the bottom of the pit.

but that's still not the same as motivation, the reason for opening your eyes and getting up each day. and these suicidals, they're not just reacting involuntarily. there's the abrupt glaring reason of "Why not why not why not?" filling up their vision. "Why live?. . .Why not?"

so i guess that's also my answer for now. i tend to have the whole carpe diem mentality but, you know, philosophies and beliefs only hold up so well when life falls through them. when i can only sit and look at things and feel it's all a state of meaninglessness. . .or wonder how can i get up and finish something important/unimportant. . .maybe a simple "Why not" will work; maybe.

there's only one way to find out.